My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
