How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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