I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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