aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
