Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
