Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
