I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Houston, we have a blender
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
