Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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