My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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