is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
