Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
