Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
