She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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