I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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