FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize