my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I didn't notice because vodka
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
