Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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