This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
