I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize