she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
