I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
