Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
