I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
