About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
