Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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