No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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