so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
