He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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