Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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