I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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