I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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