I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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