dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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