you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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