Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
