don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
