Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
