tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
