i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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