This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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