Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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