To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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