I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
