i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
