5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
