I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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