I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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