Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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