I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
