his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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