So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm like, not good at living.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
