Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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