dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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