I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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