I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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