did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
