what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How does it feel to date your dad?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
