ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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