1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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