I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
