Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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